Gavin Newsom, oh jeez – the man who turned California's wildfires into a personal re-election ad, only to realize the flames have died down and the polls aren't. In a tweet that's equal parts humblebrag and hostage-note, the Golden State's governor announced he's jetting off to Washington, D.C., to "push for a long-overdue federal aid package for survivors." You know, the ones still sifting through the ashes of the Palisades Fire from January 2025, because 11 months is apparently just enough time for a samba in Brazil, a barbecue in North Carolina, and a brisket detour in Texas – but not quite long enough to, say, issue a single rebuilding permit.

Let's rewind the tape, shall we? Back in January, on that sun-baked tarmac at a California airbase (the very spot captured in that iconic Reuters photo where Newsom's chatting up then-President-elect Trump like they're swapping recipes for vegan kale smoothies), Gavin got the full Trump treatment: eye contact, a firm handshake, and a promise of federal firepower to help rebuild. Trump delivered – fast. Federal permits? Greenlit in two weeks flat. Emergency declarations? Signed. Aid pipelines? Opened. The man moved like he was dodging Mueller's subpoenas all over again.

And what did California deliver? Crickets. Or more accurately, bureaucratic tumbleweeds rolling through the scorched hills of Pacific Palisades. As of December 2025, zero state or local permits have been issued for rebuilding. Not one. Victims – many of them tapped out financially after shelling out for temp housing, debris removal, and Newsom's favorite: sky-high insurance premiums fueled by years of "progressive" forest management – are still waiting. One survivor summed it up on X: "It's been 2.5 years for me to get a damn building permit for an *addition*." Imagine that for a full rebuild. Meanwhile, Newsom's been jet-setting, virtue-signaling, and vetoing bills that might actually streamline the red tape he loves to tout as "environmental protection."

Now, with Trump back in the Oval come January 2026, Gavin's suddenly got the itch to play federal fundraiser. "He looked me in the eye," Newsom laments in his post, as if Trump's the one who ghosted the follow-up call. Buddy, those eyes were looking right back at you – and seeing a governor who'd rather grandstand than govern. Remember when you skipped the fire station briefing Trump held in L.A.? Too busy polishing that Hollywood smile, perhaps? Or was it the fear that standing next to the dealmaker-in-chief might expose how your administration turned a preventable inferno into a year-long permit purgatory?

This D.C. trip? It's not advocacy; it's auditioning. Newsom's not filibustering Trump – he's freelancing for a spot in the resistance sequel, the one where blue-state pols pretend their disasters are always someone else's fault. (Spoiler: The plot's thinner than Kamala's border policy.) But here's the kicker, Gavin: The adults *are* handling business. Trump's team is already prepping infrastructure wins that don't involve waiting lists longer than Coachella. DOGE? That's Elon and Vivek auditing the waste – including California's habit of turning aid into another slush fund for high-speed rail fantasies.

So, ground that flight, Governor. Or at least pivot to something useful, like waiving those fees you promised wildfire victims back in January. (You know, the ones you "guaranteed" would be history? Still waiting on that, too.) It's not "bring your kid to work day" in D.C. – it's time for you to bring your A-game home. Because if Trump's lips are "NAVY SEALed" on excuses, yours should be too. California deserves better than a sequel to your own unfulfilled promises. Cut the drama, issue the permits, and let's rebuild – without the taxpayer-funded travelogue.

Peak Cringe

(Image caption: That tarmac moment in January 2025 – when promises were made, hands were shaken, and apparently, only one side kept score.)