Gavin Newsom's Green Screen Disaster

Oh boy, folks, gather 'round the campfire as we spill some beans and make a few fart jokes about the latest episode of "How Not to Handle a Crisis"! Our beloved Governor Gavin Newsom, in a move that could only be described as a masterclass in political theater, decided to blame climate change and local officials for the lack of water during the Palisades fire. Yes, you heard that right—climate change, the all-purpose scapegoat that conveniently ignores the fact that California spends billions on fighting it but apparently can't spare a drop for actual firefighting! And let's not forget, this is the same guy who, just a whisker before the flames licked the air, vetoed a bill that would have given firefighters a raise. Talk about timing! Now, he's riding on the back of that vetoed bill like it's a horse saddled up for money he thinks should be ponied up just because he says so. It's like watching Mel Brooks direct a political Western, where the punchlines are as dry as the hydrants, and the campfire farts are louder than the flames themselves.

Picture this: Newsom, standing in front of what looks like a green screen with a fiery backdrop, solemnly declares, "It's climate change, folks! Not my fault that the hydrants ran dry!" Meanwhile, the flames behind him are so perfectly framed, you half expect Mel to yell, "Cut!" from off-screen. It's like he thought he was filming his own little movie, "Apocalypse Now...or Later, Maybe, I Think..." instead of addressing the real disasters, which are his policy mumbo-jumbo he's trying to plaster onto a jumbotron, for his own entertainment of course. But wait, there's more! Just days before this fiery fiasco, Newsom decided that firefighters, the very folks on the front lines, didn't deserve a pay bump. "Let them eat cake," he might as well have said, as he signed that veto with a scribbled signature that left people wondering just how jacked up on cocaine someone has to be just to do all this delfecting and passing of the buck. And now, he's galloping around on that vetoed bill, yelling, "yeehaaaw!" and demanding $2.5 billion like it's his right to receive any money, all while the firefighters he snubbed are left to wonder if they'll ever see a raise while he's in office. It's a comedy of error, folks, where the punchline is a burning city and the hero is inside a studio in front of a green screen grumbling, "pay me now suckers, not them!", and the campfire farts aren't even coming close to smelling worse than his policies.

The $2.5 Billion Boomerang Boondoggle

Just a day after the Palisades fire started, Newsom, ever the quick thinker, when he's not jacked up on coke I guess, proposed an additional $2.5 billion for emergency response and recovery efforts. That's right, folks—$2.5 billion! Because nothing says "I'm sorry for the mess" like throwing money at a problem you helped create. But let's be honest, with Newsom's track record, this money will probably end up funding a new fleet of electric cars for his entourage, or even worse, a climate change awareness campaign featuring celebrity endorsements and party favors for all. And all this while the brave men and women who fight these fires are left wondering why their wallets are even drier than the hydrants they're left to work with. And remember, he's riding that vetoed bill like a cowboy on a bucking horse at a State funded rodeo, yelling, "Gimme, gimme, fools!" as if the taxpayers owe him a favor after he mercilessly cut into the very people who continuously risk their lives in the name of doing what's right, while he's doing what's wrong. It's like watching Wild Bill Hickok demand a stiff drink after shooting up the entire saloon, except the saloon is on fire and the townsfolk are the ones responsible for paying his tab.

"We need to rebuild," he said, with all the sincerity of a slimy used car salesman. "But first, let's make sure we have enough water next time—oh wait, we spent that on solar panels!" It's a classic case of too little, too late, and far too much greenwashing (or would that be brainwashing?). It's a scene straight out of "Blazing Saddles," where the governor's office is the new Rock Ridge, and Newsom's the sheriff who can't shoot straight, and his budget proposals read like a ghost story told around the campfire.

LADWP: The Department of Water and Power-lessness

Ah, the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power (LADWP), the unsung heroes of this saga. Or, are they the villains? Residents, in a fit of righteous indignation, sued LADWP, claiming the water supply system in Pacific Palisades was not properly maintained. "The hydrants ran dry!" they cried, while LADWP responded with, "Well, they worked fine for house fires, but wildfires? That's a whole different story!" It's like they thought, "Hey, let's save money by not fixing the reservoir, and then when the fires come in like rancid farts, we'll just blame climate!" The Santa Ynez Reservoir, empty since February 2024, stood as a monument to LADWP's foresight—or lack thereof. "We delayed repair work to cut costs," they admitted, as if it was some kind of badge of honor. Meanwhile, firefighters were left playing a real-life game of "Where's the Water?" Again, I reiterate that these are the same firefighters Newsom just decided didn't need a raise, cuz hey, why not? Talk about kicking a man when he's down—or rather, when he's up a burning tree! It's like watching Mongo punch a horse, except the horse is the state's budget and the punch is a scribbled-on veto, and the SOB can't get his priorities straight. Adult toddler much?

Cap-and-Trade: The Great Climate Charade

Let's talk about California's cap-and-trade program, shall we? Over the past decade, $11 billion has been allocated to fight climate change. Eleven billion dollars! You could buy a lot of fire hoses with that kind of cash. But alas, the emission reductions are not on pace to meet state goals, and the benefits may be overstated. It's like Newsom thought, "Hey, let's spend all this money on reducing emissions, and then when the fires come, we can say, 'Look, man... we tried!'" Experts are wincing while wondering where all that money went. "Maybe it went to fund those climate change PSAs with Hollywood stars," one likely quipped. "Or perhaps it was used to buy Newsom a new narco route just so he can be all jacked up on substances for his next big press conference." Either way, the fires keep burning, and the emissions keep rising, proving once again that money can't buy you love—or fire prevention, but to the tune of billions, it can buy you a hell of a lot of coke.

The Palisades Fire: A Case Study in Chaos

The Palisades fire, which started in early January 2025, was the perfect storm of mismanagement and misinformation. Newsom's response? Blame climate change, of course! "It's the winds, it's the drought, it's everything that I can possibly think of while binged out on yay but my policies!" he seems to exclaim, as if the laws of physics were personally out to get him or something. The fire highlighted ongoing issues with wildfire management and infrastructure, exacerbating tensions over the effectiveness of state policies and spending. "We need to do better," Newsom said, with all the conviction of a politician who's just realized the cameras are rolling. But let's face it, folks, with Newsom at the helm, "doing better" means more photo ops, more blame-shifting, less actual progress, but more coke? The Palisades fire was a wake-up call, but Newsom hit the snooze button harder than ever, threw the clock at the wall, rolled over next to his best friend's wife, and started poking harder than a Facebook poke-fest. It's like watching the final brawl in "Blazing Saddles," except the brawl is between policy and reality, and reality's winning while his inexcusable behavior is clearly not.

The Saddles Are Blazing: A Fiery Fiasco Wrapped Up

So there you have it, folks—a blaze of glory, or blazing saddles, that encapsulates Gavin Newsom's handling of the Palisades fire. From green screen disasters to billion-dollar boomerang boondoggles, from waterless wonders to the shenanigans of climate charades, it's a story that could only happen in California, with a toddler for a governor that seems to be more interested in looking for new drug routes rather than tangible solutions. And as the flames rise higher, on the green screen, one thing is clear: Newsom's narrative is about as solid as a house made of grape jelly. Stay tuned for the next episode of "Gavin Newsom's First Hand F*** Ups," where he blames the next disaster on a CGI created alien invasion or a nefariously rogue weather balloon! Until then, keep your fire extinguishers handy and your Lord Gavin memes sharper than ever. Because in the world of Californian politics, the only thing burning brighter than the fires is the absurdity of the adult toddler in office himself. It's straight up "Blazing Saddles" meets real life, and the punchline's Gavin. And we all know that with him in charge, the jokes will still be writing themselves, with campfire bean-filled farts and all.