Welcome to Gossip! Where we expose drawers, air out dirty laundry, and act like nobody's watching! Tonight's dater: Brittany, 32 and from Vegas, is looking for a man who can handle her… baggage. Brittany, meet your suitors!

First drawer, boys—top secret! Corey, pull it!

It was a golden retriever!

Aw, Corey… nothing wrong with a little tear-jerker. As long as you're not jerking while it happens. Dave?

It's an installation piece!

Art is in the eye of the beholder… or in this case, the butt-floss. Tony?

Hey, it's like fertilizer!

Sounds shitty.

Middle drawer elimination round, Brittany! I'll reveal each drawer's secret one at a time—no names, no faces. You pick the one that creeps you out the most. The owner of that dresser gets the boot. Let's exposé, shall we?

Cozy cohab with extra perks! Next drawer.

Ouu. Relentless thirst traps. Pecs or abs? Heh. Last one!

Family-inclusive rating system. Efficiency or ick factor? Brittany—which secret sends you running?

The spreadsheet one. That's way too petty. I can't deal with that.

(shrugging) Data doesn't lie. It's just honest feedback.

She cuts me over spreadsheets? Fine. But here's the real kicker—my bottom drawer: "I once rated a one-night stand a 4.7 and left her a detailed review about how she is in the sack on her Facebook profile." Your loss, toots.

Dave's spreadsheet obsession just got filed under "rejected." Corey and Tony—you're still standing, but don't get too comfortable, because the Circle of Death is up next. Stay tuned for even more dirty laundry!

Time for the Circle of Death! One suitor at a time—rapid fire questions and we'll see what they say. First up: Corey—step into the circle!

Corey—how many times have you faked an orgasm?

Never! Wait… does pretending to like chick flicks to get laid count?

Show us your best sexy dance move—go!

(mid-thrust) This is my signature move… I call this the "gush and flush."

That's either foreplay or a cry for help. Brittany, what did you think?

That was… interesting?

Tony—you're up! Step into the circle.

Tony—worst place you've ever hooked up?

Uh… back of a police cruiser.

Demonstrate how you'd seduce Brittany right now!

Baby, I'd fertilize your garden all night long!

That's either smooth criminal vibes or smooth criminal intent. Tony, step out. Time for them bottom drawers—let's get raunchy!

Corey's bottom drawer: "I have a foot fetish… and I will suck your toes?" You can't be serious.

Ready and waiting!

Just don't go kissing him afterwards.

"I once proposed to a stripper… during her set… on stage… with a ring pop!" What did she say?

She said maybe.

Alright, Brittany. Who's gossip is just too hot to handle?

Corey. I think we could… work on the foot thing. Tony, your gossip is just too much.

Alright! But, hold everything though! We still have Brittany's big red chest to open. Go ahead, darlin'—reveal your raunchiest secret!

(reads) "I once faked it so hard that he proposed right after… I said yes, then ghosted him the next day."

(sheepish shrug) Oscar-worthy performances… I guess.

Bet. Don't worry. I gets no complaints in bed.

Looks like these two lovebirds are ready to slam each other's drawers all night long! Let's just hope the neighbors don't mind.

I'm gonna dig in her drawers and see what all I can find!

That's the "Gossip," folks! Drawers opened, secrets spilled, and maybe even a little love found along the way. Next time on Gossip—the laundry gets even dirtier! Goodnight!

The toilet is rising! Lincoln's logs are floaters. I need a plumber, quick!

(casual shrug, hands his phone over) Just use AI.

Which app?

It's the pink one.

The one named Guy?

Yeah.

Haaaay!

Bro. What the hell is this?

Gai.

Did you just say 'Gay Eye'?

Yeah, Gai. It's AI, man. Just use it.

No way, dude! I'm not using this.

Alright, fine.

My toilet water is slowly rising and I've got some floaters. Help!

Hey there, big boi. Sorry to hear about your toilet troubles. Let's tame that water and get them floaters sucked down. Have you tried a plunger?

Floaters sucked down? Gross. No, how do I use it?

Grab it. And then just mmm. Give it some big burly shoves. Really get it in there and force it down, daddy.

Bro.

Car troubles?

Yeah. Battery's toast. I need some help.

Gai's got your back, son.

Oh-no! Car woes got you down? Using the camera, I can see that you've popped the hood. Ouu, would you just look at how big that engine is, boi. Let's see what it's like when we get it up and throbbing with desire. Just hook those naughty cables you're holding up to daddy Derek's sexy red hot rod, and get ready for the fireworks! My gosh, how exciting! I'm so turned on right now. Touch thingies! Hurry up! Let's go, big boi.

Bro, no.

Don't underestimate him, he knows what he's talking about.

This is gonna be so hot watching daddy Derek give you a boost, baby boi.

Yeah, but he's gay asf.

I don't discriminate, man. I'm just trying to help.

Discriminate? Have you gone mad?

She ghosted me.

Gai, man. He's a dating guru. Trust.

Oh, look who it is. So, tell me. How'd it feel getting boosted by daddy?

That's it! I ain't doing this.

Are you sure?

Fine.

Don't hate.

I'm not. Gai, look. I got ditched last minute by some hottie. She was really into me and now she's ghosting me. What do I do?

Hmm. Have you thought about going gay?

Bro. Why do you even use this?

Hey.

Welcome back to Merica Says, ya bunch of rednecks! We're down to the wire. The Freedom Friers are leadin' this race by 500, but the Lucky Stoners left two blanks on the board. Time to steal. Listen up, Jack. We asked Merica: "When the barbecue runs out, the party is..." There's an "O" and a "D" up there. Do you think you can pull them down off the board? Sure you can. You've got this!

Over!

That's right! Boy, y'all are in some deep mess now, Stoners. But, y'all do still got a shot at the bonus round. That is, unless the Freedom Friers can steal it from you right now. Freedom Friers, if y'all can steal it, then you're going to the bonus round and the Stoners can suck it. There's just one more up there and it's a "D". What do you think it is?

Dinner?

Nope. Wrong. Anybody in the audience know it?

Done! Idiot!

Now now, pardner… we don't call folks idiots on this show. Even if they miss an easy one. But… yeah, it's "done." Freedom Friers, y'all are done. Lucky Stoners advance to the $15,000 bonus round. Yee-haw!

Round 1: One word. "America runs on..." D_____.

Dunkin'!

Round 2: Two words. "The only thing better than freedom is... F______ and F___.

Friends! Food!

Round 3: Three words. "Nothing says 'Merica' like a big ol'... G__, T____ and an A__.

Yeah, we're skippin' that.

Sometimes it's better to save that one for last.

Final round: Four words. "When in doubt, just add..." B___, M____, G____ and F______

Bacon!

Beer!

Girls!

Money!

Fishing!

Now, don't you go gettin' too excited. You've still gotta go back and clean that skipped one up. You've got 42 seconds left on the clock.

Alright.

Ready? Three words left. "Nothing says 'Merica' like a big ol'... G, T and A.

Gun!

Truck!

Apple?

Audience, can you help 'em out?

Ass! Idiot!

Easy now, friend… bless your heart. There's no need for any name-callin. But yeah… nothin' says Merica like a big ol "Ass". Tough break, Stoners. Y'all fought hard. But, no $15,000 today… That's it for Merica Says! Til next time. Yeehaw!

Welcome to Schmidiotest, the touchiest game around, and things could get touchy pretty quick! Bronx Bombers versus Whispering Willows. Your first puzzle is up now. Thirty seconds… GO! Find the one that's "shore" to win!

Luna, you picked… a seashell? Adorable. Can you tell me why you did that?

I thought that because it's on the shore that it's shore to win.

Wrong. And since you bombed, I'm just gonna stroll over here for a while.

Did I get it right?

Maybe. What did you touch?

I touched the thing.

Why did you touch the thing?

Cuz I was runnin' out of time.

Oh, well you got it wrong. The kid building the sandcastle is "shore" to win – s-h-o-r-e, s-u-r-e. Homophones! Homophones. You just got out-punned by a toddler with a shovel and a bucket. Let's get this next Schmidiot test up and running!

Ok, Bombers. Why'd you pick that?

Cuz, I like to beat it. So, I picked it because I wanted to beat the test—it looked at me funny.

Wrong. Going over here.

Luna, sweetheart… you got it right! Let's celebrate with a friendly little butt-pat.

Jesus Christ, I'm about to start calling you Ben Creep, you frickin' weirdo!

On second thought, Russ here's a brute from the Bronx, and I like my spine just the way it is.

Schmidiotest! Where bad choices get roasted, and I tend to cross boundaries and get roasted even harder. Anyway, catch you next time on Schmidiotest!

(voice altered) You got the ping. You know the play. Roll in before they make any arrests. Claim the jurisdiction, take everything—the bricks, the girl’s statement, the photos, the body-cam cards if you can get ‘em. Make the chain of custody look textbook… then just, lose a few pieces before the feds come-a-knocking.

You’re really going this hard just to keep one sergeant from climbing the ladder?

Look, Harlan... King ain’t just any old sergeant climbing the ladder. He’s the best. His clearance rate is skyrocketing, deputies respect him, streets fear him. If he runs for Sheriff next cycle, he wins in a landslide and, whoops, there goes your benefits and all that legality you hold. I don't want him digging and finding that insurance policy, the second set of books, the houses. If he wins, I can't be in the shadows, pulling the strings. You see?

Alright, I get it. Tell this genius accountant to stop timing it like this. It's got my phone going off like it's a damn slot machine.

Do this by the book. Kali's going to try and press you. And tell your wife I said, "hey."

This looks rehearsed.

What the hell? Look at this mother f*cker.

He’s bagging our evidence up before we even sign off.

(walking up, all southern charm) Sergeant King. Officer Swoop. Damn fine stop. We’ll relieve you now. County line’s ours just by a hair. Y’all head on back and get some coffee, you earned it.

How you knew exactly where to stage, Rod? It's almost as if you had a little bird just... whispering the coordinates in your ear before we were even done here.

(shrugs, smiling) God provides, son. But, do have safe travels on your way out.

County unit was rolling before our traffic hit the log. Only people with real-time access were dispatch… and the command staff.

What if it was to keep Kali from getting close to the Sheriff’s star.

Well, I am a threat.

What, you got something to say too? Traitor.

He's just mad you found the dope before he did.

What should we do?

(quiet smirk) We catch them doing it again.

(smooth and high pitched) Hey, kids.

Dude! It's Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson's dead, bro.

But, I'm not dead. I'm alive. See?

Hoo!

This can't be real.

No, it's the real me, kids. You've gotta believe me. They kidnapped and cloned me and I escaped the facility!

What? Bullshit!

They’re throwin' dirt on my name, kids. A-hee-hee…

No way that's Michael Jackson.

Teh, eh, unh. Hoo!

I don't know, man. I mean, he is black.

Yes, that's what I'm sayin' kids! They replaced me with that white version! Chi-mon' now. You've got to believe me. A-hee-hee!

It's him. It's gotta be him.

Alright, let's say we believe you. Then, what?

Then, we go on a mission.

Yo, delivery drone. Feel special. I'm mid-rant right now about why parting your hair to the right is so alpha and left is total beta cuck energy. Just put the stuff on that table next to the door.

(laughs like he invented money) You're still here? Go touch some grass. Or don’t. I’m not your dad.

Boy, these are the times.

Late. Don't I get a discount for that?.

Whoa! You have a bot? And it's dancing? What?!

(to phone) Hold on, the Uber NPC's glitching. (to Jason) I'm gonna need you to leave, we're livestreaming this.

Note to self: stay an NPC.

I got the food!

(smirks, nods) Dude—thank you. You just stopped the apocalypse and saved my sanity. These tee-tiny dictators were about two seconds away from calling to arms and eating the cat.

Oh, we can't have that now. Can we?

Well, we could—but I would definitely have to hear about it from the wife later on.

And, that's what we don't want.

Yo... Super Dad just tipped me more than the corny Lambo guy!

Til we meet again.

Ho ho ho… oof… Dasher, watch the antler!

Well, well, well… someone actually baked the good ones. With the sea salt flakes. My favorite.

(mouth full) Mmmph. These are dangerously good. (reads) “For Jolly Old Saint Nick: We left you some Almond Milk. Hope you don't mind!”

Almond Milk? I'm allergic. I'm gonna shat my pants!

Well that's one lump of coal I won't be missing.

That could have been bad. I would have had to derail Christmas. Could you imagine the looks on all the children's faces when they don't see any presents under the tree in the morning? Gosh.

Let's see. This is Jay's house? He's gettin' coal this year.

(sighs) Burdens me to have to do this.

But, you shouldn't be kicking your next door neighbor's puppy.

Oh, well. Maybe next year.

Ho ho ho!

Awe, man… I got coal this year. Ahh, no! No!

Dad, I got coal this year?

Yeah, I guess so. Jeez. That's a toughy.

Hey, did you leave the doo doo fan running all night?

Welcome back to Squeal or No Squeal! The only game show where the prize is freedom… and the special "Not Winning" prize could be anywhere from twenty-to-life!

Tonight’s contestant… Vinny “Three Phones” Russo!

This is not what my lawyer meant by “cooperate”.

Vinny, you’ve already opened twenty three cases tonight. Case 7 was your cousin Tony’s paraphernalia stash… Case 12 was the burner phone selfies… Case 19, the witness testimony of your boss Jerry.

He's a prick.

The DA is offering you eight years, time served, witness protection in Nebraska.

Nebraska?!

Now's the time. I'm going to ask you the question, Vinny. If you say No Squeal, you have to open one more case. Odds are that it could be the Ring Camera confession that we've been looking for the entire time. But if you say Squeal, it could be a reduced sentence. You have a 50/50 shot at picking the wrong case. So, I'm gonna ask you, Vinny… Squeal or No Squeal?

No Squeal. I ain’t no rat. Gimme case number 14.

Layna, you heard him. Open the case.

Welcome back, folks. Vinny here's fighting for his freedom. We're down to the last case. Vinny, you’ve already given us the evidence, the fingerprints, your bookie’s second phone…

I was under arrest. I had no choice.

But, we're about to find out if you made a good deal. Do you think the reduced sentence is in your case?

(quiet, defeated) I don't know. But, I sure hope so.

Wait, we have a call from the DA.

Uh huh. Okay. I'll tell him. The DA is offering you a surprise reduced sentence if you Squeal right now and let him buy your case. Do you want to Squeal for a guaranteed reduced sentence?

Screw it. Let's do it.

Is that a yes?

Yes. I'll Squeal.

Ladies and gentlemen… we have a Squeal! Vinny, the DA bought your case for a reduced sentence! But, we have to find out if you made a good deal.

Are you f*ckin' serious?

Diana, open the case!

Vinny, you did not make a good deal!

Oh, goodness. Would you just look at that sloppy dumb bulldog, he's digging in the trash again. Downright disgusting! A proper animal should keep themselves clean.

Is that a pig? Why's he always flooping about in filth all day? Dreadful. How can anyone live like that? You've got to have standards, my good man.

Oh, it's the squirrel, hoarding all these nuts like a greedy miser. Sharing is caring, you know.

Honestly, this neighborhood is going to the dogs.

Oh! What is this? A gift from the heavens?

Oh no! My fur is a disaster! What a dirty mess!

Lick-lick here. Lick-lick there. I can't let anyone see me!

All that judging others... look at me! I'm a total mess!

Hey Snidely, why so sloppy?

(licks) Quiet, you! (licks-licks) I'm fixing that!

(grunts) You're looking insecure there, buddy.

(freezes) Oh, it's no use.

Moral of the story? Don't judge so harshly if you aren't choosing to live up to the same standards.

Just one little peek at the special forces raid in Yemen? Nobody’ll notice!

Senator Robert James Hawkins.

OWCHIES! I’m a United States Senator!

And I’m the adult in the room. Hands where I can see them, Mister.

But the cookies—I mean drones—they look so shiny and new!

Moooom! I mean Miss Maddox! I'm not doing anything!

What did I say about unauthorized kinetic action?

That… it's off limits to a schmuck like me?

Exactly! Now sit your happy ass back down in that chair before I smack you around like you owe me money, Mister "Senator".

That nasty ol' Miss Maddox. I've gotta do something about this. Hey, Mr President... If I promise to read the intelligence assessment—can I have a peek at just one carrier strike report?

Bobby, you’ve been warned about this three times already.

Hmmph. Brat.

Don’t you even dare.

YEOWCH! This is cruel and unusual punishment! I'm gonna... I have oversight authority you know!

And I have the authority to smack the living crap out of you. Would you like me to exercize that, Mr Hawkins?

No ma’am.

Good boy. Now apologize to the joint chiefs for trying to stick your nose where it doesn't belong!

(mumbling) Sorry.

EXCUSE ME! Manager! MANAGER RIGHT NOW!

I'm the shift leader. How can I—

It’s December FIRST and I see ZERO Christmas cups with the gay little rainbow reindeer! This is a hate crime against the LGBTQ!

Well… we have the regular red holiday cups with polar bears. Corporate decides the designs, not me.

So Starbucks HATES gay people now?! I’m recording this for TikTok!

We literally have a Pride drink on the secret menu and half the staff is queer here, Karen.

Don’t you “Karen” me, Jayden-from-the-nametag! I want a Christmas cup that supports LGBTQ Christmas—the gays deserve better than this! You’re oppressing me!

Ma’am, I don’t design the cups. I just make the drinks. Would you like a Pride drink from the secret menu or…

I want to speak to someone who isn’t triggered by what I'm saying! This is why I voted!

I'm just trying to help.

No you're not! I'm incredibly offended! This is an outrage!

Look, is there something you'd like to order? If not, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I don't want anything from this propaganda factory! Don't worry, I'm leaving...

Young man! Why is there not a single “Pride Bear” in this store?!

Uh… we just sell what corporate sends us.

So you’re teaching children that being gay is bad?! My trans son Brayden could be turned straight by this bear!

You will NOT indoctrinate children on my watch!

Ma’am please stop—those are $8 each—

I’m saving Christmas! Someone call MSNBC!

That’s it, we’re going to the Lego store, sweetie.

Ma’am, you need to leave the premises.

This is assault! I have a medical condition—I get hysterical when things aren’t inclusive enough!

You’re canceling Christmas! I’ll see you all in court!

Bro, I’m bi, she just threw my entire personality to the wolves.

Swoop, you see this fool ridin’ dirty with one taillight out? Bet money he got warrants longer than your rap sheet.

Man, you been lookin' up my record, mother f*cker?

F*ck you mean, Cris?

Quit playin' with me, fool. Just flip them lights.

F*ckin' white boy.

F*ck is it with you callin' me white all the time?

I'm a nigga, I do what I want.

License and registration. And kill that mariachi music, sounds like the trumpet player is havin’ an asthma attack.

Officer, I-I ain’t do nothin’.

Yeah, and my daddy ain't dead. Step out the car, both of y’all. Hands where I can see ‘em.

(whispers over the cruiser wide-eyed) Swoop, you gotta reason to be pulling them out?

Hell yeah I do. Watch this.

This mother f*cker. Get out of the car, sir.

Hmm. You smell that? That ain’t regular weed. That’s that loud mixed with... Febreeze? Cris Call K-9, this ride rankin', bruh.

(on radio) 2-Lincoln-19, roll Greg and Niner to my location, possible narcotics.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to sit down.

Okay. Where at?

On the curb right here. Both of you.

I'm gonna search the whip.

Y'all better hope he don't find nothin'. He's like a bloodhound.

He ain't gonna find nothin'.

Better hope not.

Y’all are lucky, Niner's been bitchin’ all day cuz no action.

Well, we gonna need him, cuz I gotta know what's in that trunk.

Aight. Niner, let's go.

Looky what I found.

Well butter my biscuits. We got us a winner. Niner.

Pop it.

Oh shit—

That ain’t ours! She just— she asked for a ride!

Uhh, Uber Black don’t come with duct tape and a trunk subscription, bro.

Human trafficking and about forty kilos? Y’all done graduated from street thugs to federally fucked. Niner, good boy—here's your reward.

Swoop… good call on the stop, man.

I told you, man. I ain’t no cracker in some uniform. I know my s*it.

Aight, Swoopty-doo.

Y’all I'm out. Sun’s gettin’ low, and I still gotta feed Niner before he goes on strike again.

Greg, Good lookin’.

I know I am.

You know we could call a different K-9 unit, right?

But, then I don't get my bonus.

Yeah, f*ck out of here...

Earth's a dumpster fire, too many assholes and not enough lube. Fuctardia's got loads of pootanium. What's pootanium? The shit that powers your toys, your nukes, your regrets. The catch? It's crawling with big blue fucktards who hump trees for fun.

Yeah, I know what pootanium is. When do we get to go in and blast em?

Blast em? You can't just go around erasing civilizations!

Fuck you, we can do what we want.

Yeah, what he said. Fuck em.

Squad L.F.G., Link AI here. Get ready for landing!

We've successfully landed. Habitation was sacrificed, but fuck it. Who cares?

Ok. We go. We go now. Ooo.

That Avatard suit really makes you that dumb?

Hey, me no dumb... Me conquer!

Sky scum! Trampling our holy habitat with your big red rocket ships—why?

Me no care!

Invaders are not welcome. You will die!

You no fuck with me.

Enough!

Hey, I'm not part of this.

Let me go!